I turned 38 on January 5th, 2020. I haven't hit an age yet where I freak out and question what I've done with my life yet. 38 is affirming what I've experienced from birth to now. There are few things I can control but if I master those things, I master life.

I can't control anything or anyone outside of myself. I can continually practice focusing on what makes me feel best and go all in on that. It's the proven way to change the world.

While I work, The roulette wheel spins and regardless of the outcome, I'm GOOD.

I’m writing this from the other side of Christmas and this year, that feels hella good.

There was no silver lining, positive thinking, writing, breathing technique that could cure me from my holiday blues. They demanded to be felt. The absence of my dad, mom and sister couldn’t be filled with stories, reflecting on the good memories or my drug of choice: cookies. This year there was no avoiding it, I had to feel the major suck of them not being here. After spending Christmas with my family, I crawled into my bed at 6pm and watched the Morning Show until I fell asleep. I was relived Christmas was over and didn’t feel one ounce of guilt about it.

Allowing myself to feel it so deeply allowed for a glow up I wasn’t expecting. I woke up on December 26th feeling refreshed and ready to create my day. The sooner I accepted the holidays were going to be shit, the sooner I was able to recover from them and process. The greatest gift I gave myself this holiday season was surrendering.

What’s currently happening:

1. I launched felt write two months ago. I’m navigating this business owner space and I’ve never felt more unsure of myself in my life. I’ve also never felt so free. It’s a weird place to be.

2. I got a job buying again (what I’ve done for most of my career) to support my baby business and I lasted less than two months.

3. I started working part time for my family’s business and I am looking for another part time job because felt write is my forever and I will do what it takes to support it.

4. I moved from the city I grew up in to a city I swore I would never live in.

5. Ebay-ing has become one of my favorite pastimes: it feels good to get rid of things and get paid for it!

6. The holidays have been an emo rollerocaster. This time of year used to be my favorite and I would buzz with excitement. Now, I’m just trying to get through them. I talked to my niece yesterday about this and we decided it’s time to create some new traditions to look forward to.

Transitions have been the most fertile time for my growth and also the most painful. My feelings have overwhelmed me at times which gives me the opportunity to practice and pause. I have black and white data that supports that I can get through this, I’ve survived and thrived through adversity and transition before, and I’m better equipped to handle it now. One inhale and one exhale at a time.